This Bi Life: I Still Feel Guilty for My Attraction to Women
I’m a bi woman. I accepted this fact about myself long ago. For me, bisexuality means I’m attracted to two genders at any point in time. For example, one day it may be men and women, the next day it may be non-binary people and women. As of right now, it’s men and women I’m primarily attracted to. There is a problem though. I’m scared of my attraction to women. The story of this fear starts long ago, when I was just a little church going girl.
Growing up, it was just me and my mom. She wasn’t as religious as some of the other people we knew but she did make sure I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday (can’t miss Bible study). The churches I went to growing up were conservative, so even the limited amount of time I spent in them was more than enough time to instill a sense of fear and shame around sex and sexuality. It was also more than enough time to ingrain in me the belief that boys only liked girls and girls only liked boys. Anything outside of that was ungodly and got you a one-way ticket to Hell.
I was attracted to girls at a young age. The fear the church ingrained in me made me scared and guilty about these new feelings. The more I became attracted to girls and women, the more involved I got with the church. I would go on church trips, watch the kids in children’s church, joined the church step team, joined the church choir, even joined the usher board for a bit. I figured that all I needed was a little bit more Jesus in my life and I’d be “normal” again. Things didn’t turn out that way.
Being around the church so much, I began to realize that something wasn’t right and it wasn’t me. I began to question why I should feel so afraid about being attracted to women. Nobody in the church would answer my questions, but they all started looking at me funny. Eventually the looks and whispers became too much and I finally decided to leave.
So, since the church thing wasn’t working out, I’d find other reasons to explain away why I looked at women so much. I didn’t enjoy her body shape, I just liked her outfit. I didn’t think her face was gorgeous, I simply liked her makeup. I’d think of any excuse possible to deflect from my attraction. Turns out that wasn’t working either.
When I hit college, I met my first boyfriend. I revealed my feeling to him and he pointed out that I might be bi. At the time, I had no idea what bisexuality was. I did a little research and concluded that he was right. I was a bi woman. It felt freeing to finally put a name to my feelings. I thought I had fully accepted that I liked and maybe loved women, but (once again) things didn’t turn out that way.
I was in a relationship with that first boyfriend for eleven years and was married to him for the last seven of them. It’s easy to put your feelings for other genders on the back-burner while you’re in a committed relationship. Once that relationship ends though, things get difficult.
I’m free to date again, and the only people that catch my eye are women. It’s an exciting feeling, but it’s sadly tainted by something ugly. All of that guilt and fear drilled into me when I was that little, church going girl has come back full force. I find myself going back to finding any and every reason to justify my glances at and attraction to women. I routinely catch myself and remember I have no reason to be afraid.
I thought I had worked through this when I first identified as bi. In reality, I hid my attraction behind my marriage. I figured that, since I was married, it was okay to glance every now and then because it couldn’t go anywhere. It wasn’t like I could actually date them, I was just looking. Also, it was only the pants, the shirt, the hair, the makeup that I was interested in, not the woman herself. The lies I told myself knew no bounds. I tried to push away my attraction, but in the end it didn’t work.
I’m glad it didn’t work. I don’t want to hide behind anything anymore. I want to live completely in my truth. I’m a proud bi woman who refuses to let guilt and fear consume me. I want other bi women to feel the same way.
When you’re in a relationship with a man for that long, it’s very easy to start questioning yourself. Am I bi for attention? Am I a straight woman pretending to be bi? All sorts of questions like that can pop up when that long-term relationship ends. The answer to those questions is NO.
You are bi because that’s who you are. You have no reason to be ashamed of that. You have no reason to feel guilty. You are not alone in your struggle, there are many of us out there, and we know how you feel. We also know that there is nothing wrong with loving women and viewing them as the beautiful people that they are.