Sorry, “Mr. Right.” I’m Still Bi.

There seems to be a persistent belief that a bisexual woman cannot possibly be attracted to women, not really. I mean isn’t that what girls do to fill their time until “the right man” comes along and makes them realize they wanted men all along? Maybe a woman would turn to other women after having her heart broken by too many men. Of course, we all know that women play with other women in order to attract the attention of men.

Of course these assumptions are ridiculous, but try convincing the world of this…

At my lovely and empowering women’s college, we had a term for this. Girls were called “BUGs” or “LUGs” (Bisexual or Lesbian Until Graduation). I admit, it’s catchy, but it does a huge disservice to the women who spent their time in this relatively safe space exploring their sexual desires. Even in a supposedly open and accepting environment, there was doubt among the more “serious” lesbians that a woman who had ever expressed interest in men, could ever really end up with another woman.

In the real world, it’s even worse. So many people tell you that you’re just waiting for “the right man” before you realize that what you really really want is man all the time. This also seems to be an oddly popular pick-up line. In this case, the picker upper is assuming that he himself is of course “the right man.”

So what makes this mythical Mr. Right so right? Is it that he tickles your brain in a way that no else has; or perhaps his grand romantic gestures; or is he maybe the nicest person ever? Nope. When it comes right down to it, whether it be your grandmother or that weird guy at a bar, these are not the traits that they think will separate Mr. Right from all the lovely ladies you’ve been dating. In fact it’s the sex. That somehow sex with “the right man” will make you realize that all your previous same sex sexcapades were completely unfulfilling and that all that you want and need is his dick.

Yep, that’s what it always comes down to. You can meet the nicest girl in the world, she can fly you to Paris for dinner, and then you won’t sleep for two weeks because you’re doing rocket science together. On top of this the sex is great, but can it ever be as good as sex with the Mr. Right you will someday inevitably meet?

Of course it will be.  But try to convince the world of this…

AllyMcBeal Ling KissI may be dating myself here, but I always think of all those lady kisses of the 90s and early 2000s on television. When a show’s ratings started to drop, they would spend a week hyping that two women are going to kiss! Think of Ally McBeal’s much hyped and soon forgotten kiss with Ling or Carey playing Spin the Bottle on Sex and the City. These were not actual explorations of female sexuality; they were simply reinforcing the idea that two women kissing is meant to tease, to tantalize, and then we should all return to our regular heterosexual programming. Two girls kissing may be cute, or funny, or arousing, but it can never be satisfying.

This also leads us to a very special kind of open relationship. I am the first to say that when it comes to negotiated non-monogamy, do what works for you. Every couple or thrupple or group works differently and needs to negotiate how their non-monogamy works for them. That being said, there is one kind of non-monogamy that irritates me. It is when a man will “allow” his girlfriend or wife to “play” with other women. On the one hand, it could be very practical for a woman to limit her non-monogamy to women, there’s no risk of pregnancy and much lower risk of STIs. That’s not what this is about, though.

These gentlemen are permitting their partners to play with other women exclusively, because they don’t have dicks. Because of this they could never be a real sexual threat to the man in the relationship. He is utterly confident that his partner will never have better sex than him with another woman – because of his superior equipment. He is confident that a relationship with another woman could never threaten his partner’s relationship with him. Plus, maybe if he plays his cards right he’ll get to watch… because isn’t that the whole point of bisexual women?

No!

The whole point of bisexual women is not to titillate men. We are not entertaining ourselves with women until we find the perfect man. We are not kissing for attention or ratings. Even if a particular bisexual woman does someday end up in a monogamous relationship with a man, it doesn’t mean she isn’t bisexual… or that she turned her back on her community… that every relationship she had with a woman was a lie.. that she’s fixed… or that his dick somehow magically made her straight.

Bi is bi.  Bi ladies in a relationship with a man are #StillBisexual.  And bi ladies in a relationship with -gasp- another lady (or two or three) are #Bi2.

Talia Squires
Talia Squires is the editor in chief for bi.org. Talia has a degree in German Literature from Bryn Mawr College and a Master's in Critical Studies from the USC School of Cinematic Arts. She's obsessed with good food, fantastic wine, and trashy television. She lives in LA with her husband and fluffy Lhasa Apso.