United States

Hi, I‘m Veronika. I am Bisexual.

I am a 45-year old female, married to a lesbian. I am Hungarian and emigrated from Czechoslovakia as a child, when it was still a Communist country. I grew up in Charlotte, NC and when I divorced my husband, and met my future wife, I moved to Mt. Holly, NC. My wife and I met when I was still married to my husband. The divorce from him was a relief for all of us! I am a copy editor/proofreader with an English degree from The University of North Carolina at Charlotte. My only family is my parents and I have some distant relatives up north and a cousin, aunt, and uncle in NC. My passions are photography (nature, our family and pets) and writing.

What being bisexual means to me

It's been an exciting, painful and very confusing journey to self-acceptance (but isn’t that true for anyone?). At this point, I'm learning to embrace my uniqueness, rather than shy away and be humiliated by it. The more receptive that I am to understanding myself, the more empowered I feel. I never thought this "weakness" in my character could be the catalyst to make me strong.

When I met my wife, and thought that I was now "100% gay" and had self-proclaimed Pussy Power, I thought that was it. Really, it was only the start. I'm learning to detach from the emotional stigma that I have assigned to bisexuality. I want to not have to live on the “right” part of the sexuality spectrum.

What I would like the world to know about bisexuals

We are you and you are us. So many labels are floating out there, with such a force of acceptance tied to them. No one group of us gender queers should be more "legitimate" than another. We should just embrace each other without having to feel like bis are at the bottom of the "red-headed stepchild" totem pole.

What was your path to a bisexual identity?

I am addicted to writing fanfiction, particularly about the 2016 movie, The Boy. The movie was the catalyst that forced me to come to grips with an attraction to men, particularly, James Russell who played the character, Brahms in the movie. I became so obsessed with the last scenes in the movie that I had to write a 20k+ story with my own ending to the movie. It got to the point that my incessant movie watching, fanfiction website trolling and writing led me to seek counseling (!). My wife, understandably, was shaken and upset because we both didn’t know if I wasn’t going to leave her for a man.

The journey and the amazing therapist that has been helping me led me to the point where I am right now. It's ok to admit that I am bi. I don't have to be gay or straight and I won't dishonor the gay pride part of myself that thinks that I'm only "half gay".

The movie was a visual cue for me to explore, in great detail, my own personal demons, my fantasies and my lifelong dream to want to write. It’s a very sticky spot and I don’t know what “end” I am supposed to come to with my marriage and/or sexuality. But the more that I explore and gain acceptance of who and what I am, thanks to organizations like yours, the closer that I come to finding more answers with less questions.

What is the toughest thing about being bisexual?

The stigma. It could be just my own experiences growing up and coming to terms with my own sexuality. As if being straight or gay or anything else isn't hard enough during puberty, I was extra confused once I reached adolescence because I still liked males but definitely liked females, too. That confusion only worsened when I married a man and lived somewhat openly as bi.

When I met my wife, that door slammed shut and I thought that I had been gay all along. I am just now coming to terms with the bi label and realize that it’s a term that can be freeing, where I don’t have to be gay or straight or choose at all!

What is the best thing about being bisexual?

It's a God-given gift to be able to have the best of both worlds. I can have my cake and eat it, too, and pick out the frosting color and decide how much frosting or maybe I want pudding in the middle!

How have other people in your life reacted to your bisexuality?

In the beginning, perhaps because I was in college and it was the 90s, it was "taboo chic." I broke the heart of my first "girlfriend," though it would be a dishonor to call her that. I was dating my future ex-husband and my heavy flirtation and selfish manipulation of the "safe" situation of not having to commit to her resulted in a nasty I-Never-Want-to-Talk-to-You-Again letter and her friends absolutely hated me. Laura is now Lewis :) and we reconnected on Facebook all those years later. We both got to see ourselves transform when I found my wife and he found himself.

As for other people, I try not to tell men about my sexuality. In the beginning, I was very naive and assumed that all human beings would just regard me as a girl who was bi. Unfortunately, some men only saw a girl who fucked both sexes and they wanted some of it.

It still happens, even to the nicest of males that I meet. I have met some very open-minded ones, of course, and they far outweigh the pigs. I think that I'm more embarrassed now to tell men than women about my sexuality, if it ever comes up in conversation. At 45, I still feel like the perverted 12-year old who lusted after my school girl friends and I just assume that females will treat me as such.

What advice do you have for someone who thinks they may be bi or who is in the process of coming out as bi?

Find people (and organizations like this one!) that you can trust. DON'T talk to strangers if you're confused and want to talk it out with someone that you don't know very well. That has always been my tendency because I'm so trusting of people. For every kind-hearted person out there with an open mind and listening ear, there were more perverted and close-minded fear mongers who took advantage of that innocence.

I admire and envy those with siblings or aunts or uncles or teachers, etc. who "get it." I love to hear the coming-out-before-the-parents stories when the trusted person is sympathetic and either says I already knew or I love you, no matter what. That stuff is amazing. Use those gifts as opportunities to practice dialogue and gain a voice for yourself. Surround yourself with those that you trust to support you and nurture you during this process.

Above all, know yourself. You don't want to feel that you need to walk right back in the closet after you've just come out. You're not "confessing" something to make you or them feel better; you're only relating a fact and what they do with that information is none of your business. Don't do it just because you think that you have to in order to appease anyone, expecting to receive that support from them. Remember, to always regroup with your chosen support family for comfort. The less expectations that you have and the more acceptance that you acquire, the better the overall process will be.