United States

Hi, I‘m Chloe. I am Bisexual.

I live in NY in the United State and I live in a Rural area in a small town all my life. I lived in a big family the most I've had live in my household is 9 and the least being 5, I grew in up a chaotic home; sometimes good chaos, sometimes not good chaos. I went to a small school where everyone was either super country or city wannabes or rapping wannabes or weirdos, as you can tell I'm a weirdo. I've always been interesting in writing and for a long time I wanted to teach English in Japan but going to college for Social Sciences I realised I wanted to be a marriage councilor. I am a vegetarian, planning to be vegan soon, and a major hippie. And I'm a Hellenistic Pagan

What being bisexual means to me

Bisexual to me as a person means that I love not just one gender, such as female or male, but thoses and many more on the spectrum. Bisexuality to me means I can love men and women equally or I can love women more than men or vice versa.

What I would like the world to know about bisexuals

It's not a phase. I know everyone says that but I'm sick of everyone saying Bisexuality is a phase.
I want people to know that because I'm with a man doesn't mean I still don't feel sexual attraction towards women or vice versa.
I want people to know that just because I'm bi I don't expect you to bend to my sexuality, and I certainly don't expect you to be attracted to anything more than you are and I certainly don't want to convert you; so don't do it to me.
I want people to know Bisexuality doesn't come and go, I'm bisexual forever, always have been, I won't be attracted to only men this month and be only attracted to women the next month.
I want people to know that just because one person chooses one gender over the other, for one time or for ever, doesn't mean they're any less bisexual.
I want people to understand that not all bisexuals are monogamous and not all bisexuals are polyamourous and not all bisexuals are hugely sexually active and some are. And bisexual women are not sex objects and bisexual men are not gay or confused.
I want people to know they don't have to be gay or straight if they feel they're not, Bisexuality does exist.

What was your path to a bisexual identity?

Now that's a long story.
I've always known about my sexual attraction towards men, that was never a problem especially with my ever unruly household. My sisters never had a problem with me being bi but when I did come out everyone else did inside my household.
My cousin is what made me afraid and suppress my sexual attraction towards women.
It was just one event that shaped my entire life.
I had got a gift for a girl and I gave it to her, I knew she liked me and I liked her, at the time I thought it was normal to be attracted to both genders like why is that not weird?
But then my cousin came out and he screamed and yelled at me terribly when he saw us cuddling, then he hit me. Not terrible to the point where there were bruises just enough so there were tears, and not just tears but permanent scaring.
That created a phobia within me, not of gay or bi people, but of me being that. So I stayed "straight" for my safety but mostly everyone else's comfort.
I was only about 7 when that happened, then 6th hit around I had my first crush ever and that's where the whole shit show started.
I've always had problems, not gonna say all my problems were from being a closet bi but it didn't help.
I had a crush on my best friend, and I was scared. I lashed out and I fought a lot, I lied a lot, I even cut myself. Not because I was mad but because I was experiencing emotions I never felt before and I just didn't know how else to deal with it.
So I lashed out in a very unhealthy way, and again not just because I was a closet bi but being that did not help.
When that friend moved away I felt releaved, my confusion is gone now I can work on my mental illness. Thank gods. And I dated lots of boys inbetween, lots of boys I cared so much about but could never fully love because I was too confused. But then another girl rolled around.
And I didn't only love her for her outer beauty, I loved her for inner. She was kind, funny, insecure, and secluded around strangers. She was honestly everything I saw myself being but better. She was a tortured soul just like me but she hid her pain with a smile, just like me. I wanted her but as I said that phobia was still there, I was scared of being bi because my family tied me down.
Then I got a note in my locker, it was Valentine's day and it was a beautiful poem about me, which we always love. And I felt so happy and needed.
So I told my friend about it and then she got really nervous, she started jumping around, she started trying to prove it wasn't her who wrote it. and I knew in that instant this girl snuck this letter into my locker, I know when someone likes me, I may not be smart but I always have that instinct.
BUT I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt so I waited for a few days bringing each letter I was given back to her, until finally my other best friend got a text where my girl crush was asking me out. I knew it, at that moment it was a beautiful snap.
But my excitement went away, I thought back to my cousin calling me a faggot and saying worse will be done to people like me if I come out as gay or bi. The phobia was creeping.
I stuttered out, "No...no I'm straight."
I regret that decision even to today, the couple we could've been is the saddest part. She later came out as straight and said her asking me out was just her trying figure out feelings. But in my head I could've treated her right and I could've possibly avoided so much pain in my relationship that soon followed.
I got into an abusive relationship in only 7th grade, he treated me terrible. He never raped me but he cheated, he lied and mostly he saw me as a sex object that was totally expendable. I especially knew that when he spread my nude photos around the school, a mistake that follows me to this day. In my family I was labeled as a slut even though I never slept with a single person and to this day I've only ever slept with TWO people, one being the man I'm with to this day.
After that I was admitted to a mental hospital towards the end of 7th grade and it was the most amazing yet heartbreaking exprience ever. I self reflected so much not just on my sexuality but on my mental illness. I cried and wrote everyday and I could feel myself healing in both heart and mind.
When I got out I was a whole new person, the old Chloe was gone but I wasn't out yet, at this time I discovered I was not straight, I had accepted that. My encounters with my ex at the time had me so turned off by men I in myself thought I was gay, until a new guy which I met in the mental hospital came around. Basically I found out my sexuality through him through many "talks" So I knew I was defintely not gay.
At this time you may think, this sounds so scattered, but that's how it felt. I didn't know I could be bi so I picked a side and neither side was working for me, I was more confused than ever. This is why knowing you can be bi and still be happy is not only wanted but needed.
By 14 I had my first ever sexual exprience with the same man who spread my nude photos, why? Because I thought he could change and I thought us being apart and then together could change him, but it did not. We were together for almost a solid year before he broke it off and after that I decided to get my shit together.
I began going on YouTube and I saw people were actually like me, struggling with their sexuality. On YouTube I wasn't confined to people in my small town, I was watching people from Mississippi, to California, etc all saying that it's okay to be bi.
That's when I finally broke down to my cousin Erin, I said I know I shouldn't feel this way but I like both girls and boys and I don't know what to feel.
All she said was, "Follow your heart, not what others say."
I realized I've been living by my household's morals and rules sooo long I forgot my own, I forgot the world's okay with this. I'm valid. So at the beginning of 11th grade I finally came out. A lot of people tried to claim it was because I hadn't met a REAL man and so that's why, but if that were true then why am I still bi when I've been with a REAL man?
Long story coming to an end, my sexuality is my own just like yours is. By the end of the day, when you're alone with yourself; your opinion and your truth is the only one that matters. Being bi is okay, it's not easy, it is easier being straight or gay, but hardness is what creates thicker skin. So embrace your truth and you'll be happier, coming from a real person who lived it.

What is the toughest thing about being bisexual?

Always being told I need to pick a side, I can't sorry

What is the best thing about being bisexual?

It's my true self and being open is not only fun ;) but liberating

How have other people in your life reacted to your bisexuality?

Some have been very open and happy and proud and some have been very crude and evil about it and say I'm a slut for being open

What advice do you have for someone who thinks they may be bi or who is in the process of coming out as bi?

Be you, it takes a lot of soul searching and a lot time but when you're ready it'll be so liberating and amazing. You're gonna mess up you're human, but know it's okay to be bisexual