Genderqueer

Bisexual

Canada



Hi, I‘m Adri. I am Bisexual.

I'm a life-long geek. I mainly work as a software developer and as an author of science fiction and fantasy books (occupations that are more highly interrelated than you would think). My primary hobbies are reading, biking, coding and martial arts.

What being bisexual means to me

To me, bisexuality is closely related to how I view the gender spectrum. I know I don't quite fit into the male/female binary, and I don't expect others to. I don't understand why male/female should be the first and most fundamental decision when deciding how to interact with someone, whether it's sexually or otherwise.

What I would like the world to know about bisexuals

The binary gender divide is at the root of so much pain in the world. It starts with subjugation of women, leading to punishment for anyone who transgresses the gender norms. I think the bisexual/pansexual/fluid community has a hugely important role to play in convincing the rest of society that "men", "women", and everyone in between, are all _people_ who all deserve equal consideration.

What was your path to a bisexual identity?

I've never considered not being bisexual. I learned fairly early on that it wasn't acceptable to be bi, when my brother pitched a fit over my having a magazine with naked guys in it. It was apparently okay to pilfer the magazines with naked girls from our parent's stash, but not ones with naked guys?? How was I supposed to know?

I got involved in GLBT groups in university. There had been a big discussion about bi-inclusivity a couple of years earlier, so it was an okay time to be bi. There was a fair bit of biphobia just under the surface, but it didn't impact me much. I had a cool group of friends of all orientations.

I am now married to a woman, so my bi-ness mostly flies under the radar. My wife is also bi, so we have a good understanding of each other's perspective.

What is the toughest thing about being bisexual?

When I was younger, at university, it was a bit of a pain to be asked to defend my identity, but honestly no more so than being constantly asked to defend any of my other dissenting views about gender or politics that didn't fit into the expected neat little box.

The hardest thing now, is to figure out when it's appropriate to bring up bisexuality and when not. Since I'm in an opposite-sex pairing, I have the option of not discussing my sexuality at work, and in many social situations (because we're assumed to be hetero), but we try not to shy away from it when the moment is right, because we believe visibility is important.

What is the best thing about being bisexual?

Honestly, the best thing about bisexuality has been meeting and connecting with other bisexuals. It's so liberating to be in a group where bisexuality is assumed to be the norm. When no one is particularly concerned with holding up that wall which divides the genders in a sexual context, it makes it so much easier to break out of social context (making spaces safer for expressing non-gender-binary-conforming behaviour).

I didn't realize how many ways I was suppressing my own feelings, and not allowing myself to enjoy "female" associated things, until I just decided to stop worrying about it. And, having a supportive group of bi friends made that so much easier.

How have other people in your life reacted to your bisexuality?

Most of my experiences have been very positive, we have many bi friends. Some of my friends and family still don't understand, but since I'm in a 'hetero-like' relationship, I get a pass since I'm outwardly-conforming.

I don't generally discuss any sexual activities that don't fit that mold--I'm not trying to hide or deny my identity, it's just that it's not normally considered dinner conversation, and honestly, we're not that active.

It used to be more difficult to make any kind of social comment appreciating the attractiveness of both genders (someone would be shocked and bring up the whole sexually discussion). It feels to me now, since gay and lesbian experiences have become far more mainstream, more liberal-minded people expect everyone to have an open mind about appreciating both male and female beauty.

By the time we know people well enough to be talking about who we'd honestly like to have sex with, we generally know them well enough for them to know we're bi.

What advice do you have for someone who thinks they may be bi or who is in the process of coming out as bi?

My primary advice is: "Don't worry about it," literally. If you're able to, don't even think about it. If someone gives you grief for dating or marrying someone on the non-approved gender list, then deal with that specific person. Otherwise, it's simply not worth a second of your time.

However, many people do have a problem with internalized gender role expectations, so, simply saying, "Don't worry about it" is not going to cover it. Researching and discussing gendered social roles and expectations can be a good way to break that logjam. When you realize that you don't actually have to shove yourself into either the "good girl" or "good boy" box when it comes to dating and partnerships, life becomes far simpler.

Then, there's dealing with external biphobia and homophobia - There are lots of excellent resources, but I would need to know the specific situation. A female high school student is going to have a completely different group of problems than a 40-year-old married guy (to take a couple of examples.)