I’m Not Dating Her So You Can Have A Threesome

1/11/2018

istock/santypan

I’m bi and I’m polyamorous; which makes life in my small town both very interesting and extremely frustrating for many reasons. For example, when I’m seeking out same-sex partners, I encourage them to build other relationships or even actively seek out partners who already have established, healthy relationships because I already have that, and one of the reasons that this endeavor becomes so frustrating is due to the culture that surrounds bi women in my area. We’re a curiosity instead of actual people and this leads to all kinds of situations.

Recently, I have come to the realization that my brand of polyamory is far from the norm in my small town. I haven’t actually met many people who have even had experience with the poly lifestyle, but I’m always more than willing to open that door for people because I think it’s far more healthy for most than monogamy. That’s just a personal belief I hold.

Many times when I’m talking to a potential partner, I’m thrilled to find out they already have a stable relationship, and that their existing partner is enthusiastic about them seeking out new partners. Recently, I’ve been looking for another woman who probably already has a primary male partner. I’ve also been forced to learn that when their partner says they’re “okay with it” they mean they’re okay with the interactions as long as they will eventually get something out of it. I’m not here to judge whatever way anyone chooses to live their life, not at all, but I am also not here to entertain my girlfriend’s boyfriend. That just doesn’t do it for me.

I’ve recently had this lesson driven home. Like many people do, I met a woman through mutual friends of mutual friends on a social media site. When you live in a tiny town where nothing happens, it can be hard to meet people through more traditional means, and making friends through social media is as good as making them in real life. So, this woman and I started talking, and we clicked instantly. She told me about her life, her family, and the fact that she has a boyfriend with whom she’s already discussed the possibility of another partner for her. For me, this was the perfect scenario. We decided to meet up on her day off, and it went really well.

By the next time we met, we’d been talking for a while and I felt I understood her relationship dynamic. Her boyfriend is a musician. He travels a bit for shows which means they don’t get to see each other much, but they’re doing their best to make it work. That’s never easy, but I’m happy she seems to be happy with him. She asked while we were on our unofficial date if he could stop by at some point before he heads upstate for a show. I never want to take time away from other partners, so of course I said he could stop by and even suggested he hang out if he had time. We were already hanging out with my friends for movie night, so there was no reason he shouldn’t.

This is where the red flags started popping up. He showed up, and was immediately giving off some very unpleasant vibes. She was visibly upset by what he said to her, and after he left she told me that after a year together, this was their first real fight. It turned out that his condition for her dating me was that he would be shown pictures of anything that happened between us, or that if he is in town he wanted to participate. Now let me say, I’m not unequivocally opposed to group sex. What I am directly opposed to is it being a condition of my relationship. That is not what I am seeking, and not being upfront about wanting a threesome is definitely not okay.

This was the first of many incidents over the course of a month where he showed that he considered same-sex female relationships to be a show designed for his pleasure. But here’s the deal: I’m not anyone’s fetish, and my attraction to women is genuine, not a kink or display for other people. My interactions with my partners are not meant to be that, and I’ve learned not to put up with things of that nature. Eventually his behavior/demands made me back off.

Now, I don’t want this to come off as me complaining about my dating woes. I am in a happy relationship and continue to seek out partners who mesh well with the life I already have. This is still a frustratingly common story. With as many times as this type of thing has happened to me I figure it must be happening to other people in my dating bracket. My attempts to build a relationship with someone are often blocked or controlled or manipulated by their existing partners, and it’s almost exclusively a problem when I try to date women. It is almost always the straight male partners of these women who try to sneak a threesome into the equation.

Let’s be honest, I have no idea why so many straight men seem to have these fantasies about threesomes. So I’m going to say something controversial. A threesome is not, in its own nature, inherently better than two person sex. In fact, it’s usually messier, requires everyone is pretty comfortable with everyone else, and it’s far more difficult to make sure everyone is pleased with the experience. Yes, some folks enjoy them. I am one of them, and I am very much an advocate for exploring your sexuality and finding what does it for you. That’s completely acceptable in my book. I am in no way trying to shame someone for that being their fantasy, but you shouldn’t be manipulating your girlfriend and her attraction to other women to get what you want.

I do NOT want to see people using their partners as pawns to get access to that because it isn’t healthy for anyone involved. All sexual encounters require consent, and that consent can only be given when all of the information is honestly given. If the fantasy of a threesome is the only reason you are open to polyamory, then I would suggest sitting your partner down and talking with them about wanting a threesome. Discuss your fantasies, your fears, and your hopes rather than playing a game and hoping that you can “trick” your girlfriend into a threesome. The latter method tends to end in heartbreak and anger.

Natasha McCracken
Natasha is bi, polyamorous, a proud feminist, and an animal lover. New to the writing business, and eager to have her voice heard. She is a member of amBi in Southern Oregon, and spends her time attending events, creating art, and taking care of her rescue animals with her partner.