I Won’t Back Down From Being Bi
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It took me a long time before I realized I was bi, years in fact. When I was a teenager, I had a feeling that I was interested in men, I just never let myself believe it was anything more than a phase.
Then, in my 30’s, I finally started coming to grips with who I was. I wasn’t a straight man with a kink or a gay man trying to pretend — I am bi and for once, I felt completely comfortable in my own skin.
Unfortunately, others don’t necessarily feel the same way, they aren’t comfortable with it and for the life of me, I just don’t understand why. Why does me being bi bother some people so much?
Most of the people I have come out to have been supportive, or at least tried to be. Yet, even with some of their questions, you can tell they don’t really accept me for who I am. Not even my wife, which hurts, because I truly thought she did.
For some reason, it’s OK for her to label herself bi and to be interested romantically in women. However, when I label myself bi, which I am, she dismisses it. She says I’m not bi and that I just have a kink and have convinced myself I am.
Hearing her speak those words were like a dagger to my heart. Does she really believe this was a choice?
I can understand her feeling less important in my life because of this revelation I had. But she also helped me find myself and encouraged me along the way. Guess it’s one of those things where the reality is different than the fantasy, so to speak.
I completely get that she didn’t like me being with a man. Maybe she thought it wouldn’t upset her or maybe she thought I wouldn’t enjoy it as much as I did. But she gave me permission to do it and ever since, it has been one of two things — either I am gay or I am straight, but in her mind, I am anything but bi.
I feel stupid saying it, but when I went to this guy’s house for the first time, at best I would say that I was bi-curious. I had fantasized about it a lot, but never experienced the real thing — true, intimacy and attraction with a male.
Then, after spending the night with this guy, who I won’t be naming, I knew I never had to wonder again. But with that discovery, came a whole host of doubts, mostly from her.
She asked if being with a man is what I wanted? She told me she didn’t want me to realize in a few years that’s what I wanted and then leave her high and dry.
That line of thinking is completely understandable. I realize what I am asking of her is not easy. I am in a committed relationship and trying to explore my sexuality. Those ideas don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand.
But I feel we can make it work. I don’t need to be with a guy. Not saying I don’t think about it or want it, but I can stay committed to her. Just like, in the 10 years we have been together, I have never strayed and been with another woman.
That doesn’t mean I am not attracted to other women. I can assure you I am, yet I have stayed faithful. And as a straight man, that is what’s expected of me.
But as a bi man, people act like it’s impossible for you to commit, or be faithful, or really be anything but some kind of perverted slut who wants to have sex with everyone. And for real, that is offensive — offensive as hell.
I had another friend, one of my best guy friends tell me, “Well, you gotta figure that out, you have to choose.”
Figure out what? So I have to choose between my wife and being bi? I can’t be both?
If my wife was cool with it, I would date a guy on the side and I would let her do the same with a woman. I don’t feel threatened by that. Maybe I would if it actually happened and maybe my reaction would be similar to hers. I honestly don’t know because I haven’t been in that situation.
But honestly, I don’t see a problem in it. Yet, in her mind, me seeking sex and some kind of relationship with a man is threatening because this person will have something she doesn’t — a penis. And because of that, she feels she can never satisfy me.
I have tried telling her this, but nothing could be further from the truth. She is my soulmate and whether she has a penis or not, that will never change.
I do love her body and think she is the sexiest woman alive, truly. Even after 10 years, I can’t keep my hands off her, like I am still some horny teenager seeking sex for the first time. She just does it for me, in every way possible. But more than that, I love her for who she is and what she means to me, not for her body parts.
Her and I have been through so much together, that there is nothing that could threaten her status in my life. Yes, I met a guy and yes, I have a crush on him. I can’t lie about that. But it’s nothing compared to the lasting love and affection I will always hold for her, the mother of my child and the love of my life.
I know why she feels threatened. It’s also probably why she has said some of the things she has said to me. I think it’s easier for her to believe it’s just a kink or a phase — something that will come and go. But it’s not and it won’t.
I love her; I am also attracted to men. Those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive, at least not in my mind.
But what I do know is that I am bi and I’m sorry if others don’t want to accept it, but it’s the truth. It took me 31 years before I understood my identity and accepted it. Now, I can’t go back and I won’t. I refuse to.
So I won’t say it’s a phase or a kink or whatever, because it’s just not true.
I am interested romantically in men and women. Why is that so hard to understand? Why does that offend some people so much? I will never understand that. But I know this — I am not changing and I am definitely not going back into the closet.
Hiding your true self is a terrible way to live. I struggled with shame, doubt, and depression too long to go back to that place and if the people in my life can’t accept my newfound happiness, then so be it.
I am a bi man and if people can’t love me because of that, well, then I guess they never really loved me in the first place, did they?