I Love My Boyfriend, But I Want To Be With A Woman Someday

8/6/2018

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A bi woman who’s currently monogamous (and very much in love) with her bi boyfriend, asked a question on Reddit that I’ve received numerous times. It’s one I think many of us have, but aren’t quite sure how to address, so I figured it’s high time I discuss it in detail on Good Bi Love.

In short, the woman, let’s call her Jen, knows she is bi and is both sexually and romantically attracted to women. She hasn’t, however, dated or ever done anything sexual with another woman before. Now Jen has a boyfriend who she very much loves. They’re committed, but as she writes, “I can’t help but fantasize about being with a woman sometimes. What do I do?”

It’s important to note that polyamory doesn’t seem like a viable option for Jen and her partner at the moment. When replying to a commenter who suggested ethical non-monogamy, Jen wrote, “We actually started off in a polyamorous situation, but became exclusive once we realized how deep our feelings were for each other. I’m not sure if polyamoury [sic] is the right path for us right now.”

Here’s the thing, Jen, and I’m going to be blunt. Your same-sex attractions are not going to go away. And if you deny them, especially when you haven’t ever explored them, they are going to interfere with your current relationship. While I don’t think you’re going to resent your boyfriend, as he hasn’t done anything wrong and you’re well aware of this, I do think you’ll begin to feel inhibited. This inhibition will slowly make you feel less connected to your partner.

The first thing to do is to talk to him about this. You simply have to and there’s no other option. Given that your partner is also bi, hopefully, he’ll be more understanding. He’ll realize that this doesn’t have to do with a lack of love for him or that you unconsciously want to leave him for a partner of the same-sex. Rather, he’ll realize that you have this basic need in your identity that’s yet to be explored, and it wouldn’t be fair to you (or him) if you never had the opportunity to experience a sexual relationship with another woman.

See how he responds. And while it would be great if he said, “I completely understand! Go out and have sex with a bunch of women,” his response will probably be more complicated than that.

When I was dating one of my exes who was also bi, we spoke about this often. We were monogamous for the same reasons you are, our intense love was very strong, and at the time, it didn’t make sense to be in an open or polyamorous relationship. But being 22 and 23, we also knew that we had no desire to sleep with each other exclusively for the rest of our lives. We hadn’t yet felt like we explored enough sexually (with same-sex partners and different-sex). So every month or so, we’d check in, and see how strong our desires were to have sex outside of the relationship. We agreed at some point down the line — maybe in a few months, a year, or a decade — we would open up the relationship. Right now, however, given our desires for extra-marital affairs weren’t overbearing, it wouldn’t make sense to open up the relationship.

So the conversations would go something like this: “Yes, I still fantasize and miss men (or women), but the desire isn’t strong enough to open up the relationship yet. Let’s keep being monogamous for the time being.”

We happened to never get to that point where we opened up the relationship, and there were other factors that contributed to us breaking up that had nothing to do with sex. But for the entirety of our relationship, we checked in.

I think this would be a worthwhile conversation to have with your partner. Let him know you’re having these feelings. They’re strong, and at some point down the line, you’d like to explore them. It doesn’t necessarily have to be at this moment. You’d like to continue building your relationship with him one-on-one, but in the future, you’d really like to explore sex with women.

There’s also a more immediate, practical solution of having a threesome with a woman together. Of course, he may not be down, and for your first time with a woman, you may want to experience sex alone with her (without worrying about what your partner thinks/is doing). Or, conversely, you might feel safer and more excited having your male partner by your side as you explore women together.

I know the best sex I ever had with my last boyfriend was when we had threesomes. Ironically, we felt incredibly connected to one another afterwords.

So in short, talk to him about it. Reassure him that this has nothing to do with your feelings for him. They are still passionate and strong. But also make it clear that this is something that you’ll have to explore before you die. Together, you’d like to figure out the best way to explore your same-sex attractions in a manner that’s respectful to both you and him.

Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane a Brooklyn-based freelance writer, speaker, YouTuber, and activist whose work focuses on (bi)sexuality, gender, identity politics, relationships, and culture. He's a contributing editor at The Advocate Magazine, a columnist at Bi.org, and currently writes for The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Out Magazine, and PRIDE.