Advocate.com Op-Ed: Biphobia and Dating Bi Guys
Originally published on advocate.com by Eliel Cruz
That’s what my date told me I had for being bisexual… seriously.
I’m not sure what I was more upset at — the biphobia or the immaturity of a 24-year-old gay man who seemed like a viable suitor. Mind you, he told me vaginas had cooties just after telling me they also had teeth. Needless to say, I didn’t call him the next day.
I’ve noticed this as being a reoccurring theme among lesbians and gay men who say they’re not attracted to bisexual people simply due to our sexual experiences. Somehow we’re less dateable, less attractive, and unworthy of romantic involvement, compared to the valiant gold star gays. The repulsion is masqueraded as some sort of “preference,” not to be mistaken with biphobia. Except it actually is biphobia.
If the only reason you’re not interested in me is because of my bisexuality, your distaste stems from my sexuality. There it is. Biphobia.
I shouldn’t be hindered from being in a relationship with someone I’m interested in solely because of my innate attractions to more than one gender. I didn’t choose my sexual attractions, but I do choose to be with that person. If my choice and commitment isn’t enough, you have much more problems in your love life then your biphobic aversions.
This response to dating bisexuals is really common among gay men. I’m seen as a flight risk for the possibility of when I come to my senses and either end up choosing to be straight or gay (because we choose our sexualities am I right?). Or that I’m sullied, damaged goods due to my attractions to women because vagina is just ew but remember — it’s just a preference.
Because your preference to not date a bi guy is the same as not liking guys with blonde hair and blue eyes. Actually, no. It’s not the same thing at all. This has nothing to do with the person’s appearance, it has nothing to do with their personality, or morals, or character; you know, the things you should be looking for in a partner. It’s simply that dating a bisexual guy would force you to face your own prejudices of bisexual people.
Sexuality is not a binary; it’s not all gay or straight. There’s a pretty good chance you’re going to date someone who has, in the past, been romantically involved with someone of another gender. You may date someone who, in the future, will date someone of another gender. It’s not the end of the world, and it shouldn’t affect your relationship.
What will affect a relationship, however, is someone shutting down the possibility of a partner, maybe even the love of your life, simply because of their sexuality. What will affect your relationship is believing that a bi person is going to cheat on you, just because they’re bi, as if innately bisexual people are cheaters. No, a cheater is a cheater. Your possible relationship will be affected by your own insecurities of dating a bisexual person and have absolutely nothing to do with your partner’s sexuality.
Telling someone you won’t date them just for being bi feels very similar to the rejection people face just for being gay. There’s nothing I can do to change my sexuality any more than a gay person can change his. If I’m a nice guy and fit your usual parameters of a partner—what gives?
My date never apologized, and I doubt he ever will. But I encourage gay men to at least reconsider their views and prejudices on bisexuality.
Speaking as a bi guy, if I’m attracted to you, it’s you who I’m attracted to. My sexuality shouldn’t be the deal breaker for a possible relationship. My workaholic nature, or the fact I snore should be (if it’s any consolation, I make a great breakfast in bed). At the end of the day it’s your choice. Some of my future interests will just choose not to understand their lack of interests to bisexuals is biphobic. And you’ll be missing out, because quite frankly — I’m a catch, with or without vagina cooties.
ELIEL CRUZ is a writer on issues related to bisexuality. In addition to The Advocate, Eliel frequently writes on the topics of sexuality, religion, pop culture, and media at The Huffington Post, Believe Out Loud, and Mic. You can follow Eliel on Twitter @ElielCruz.