Questions & Answers

Don’t bi people just want to “have their cake and eat it too?”

That question sounds a lot like envy!  Besides when you have cake and don’t eat it, all it does is get stale and moldy. Do you want to get stale and moldy?  Bi people, like everyone else, are healthiest when we can be open, honest, and live with integrity.  Our reality happens to include the fact that our attractions aren’t limited to just males or just females.  We didn’t choose our sexual orientation any more than straight or gay/lesbian people did – being ourselves isn’t a form of overindulgence as the expression implies.


But to think of having both genders as "cake", then you have to be bisexual. A lesbian doesn't find men to be "cake", so she wouldn't want to keep a man while she has a relationship with another woman. A straight man isn't interested in other men anyway, so why should he want to keep a man dangling on the hook when he's dating a woman?

If the question is, 'Do all bisexual people date people of both genders at the same time, non-exclusively,' then the answer is no. I dated and married monogamously.

On the other hand, if the question is really, 'Do bisexual people want to experiment with someone their own gender and then go on to marry someone of the opposite gender?' I'm sure sometimes that's true. Because stepping outside of the cozy world of straightness can be cold and terrifying.

But anyone willing to stand up and say, "I am bisexual," is forfeiting the invisibility of straightness. If we wanted to "get away with" experimenting, we'd continue to call ourselves straight.


It's both a silly and complex question I think. It's silly because bisexual people handle their sentimental lives and sexuality the way they want or more often, like everybody else, the way they can.
It's complex, because bisexuality doesn't exist in a vacuum. Socially speaking. Negative pre-conceived judgments exist against bisexuals from the society at large with its predominant heterosexual norm and from the stigmatized homosexual minority as well.
I believe that it is important to keep in mind the hierarchy of sexualities of our societies: heterosexuality and homosexuality do not exist as two equal social lifestyle options. The recent progresses against homophobia and a certain level of acceptance of gays and lesbians, or maybe often just tolerance, should not make us forget that heterosexuality is widely considered as the more valuable lifestyle and homosexuality is still very much discriminated against.
Thus in that context, bisexuals, from a social viewpoint will probably face no discrimination in their daily life if their are in a man-woman relationship and on the other hand they will face the same harsh discriminations as gays and lesbians if they are in a same-sex couple.
Can that social context influence many bisexuals in the choice of whom they settle down with? I think it would be naive to say that it has no influence; naive to say that fate and matters of desire and feelings are the only factors that guide those crucial, even if not always conscious, choices.
But to say that bisexuals want to have their cake and eat it is uselessly unfair. Because even if a given bisexual person is influenced by the fact that it is more socially acceptable to be with somebody of the opposite sex; this limitation in his or her freedom is also imposed on the bisexual who is a also a victim of a system that pre-exists and imposes a strong hierarchy between heterosexuality and homosexuality.


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